Tuesday, December 31, 2013

How Could You Leave Us? A Pre-Deactivation Facebook Survey

 Facebook is 'dead and buried' to older teenagers, an extensive European study has found, as the key age group moves on to Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp and Snapchat.
"Mostly they feel embarrassed to even be associated with it. Where once parents worried about their children joining Facebook, the children now say it is their family that insists they stay there to post about their lives," wrote Daniel Miller, lead anthropologist on the research team. 

Oh noes!

It looks like you'd like to leave Facebook forever! Before you make the big decision to delete your profile, including all pictures, status updates, friends and messages until the end of time, we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions? This won't take long, and we promise we'll delete your account after you email us a video of you crying in front of your webcam and mouthing the words "Never Again."

Can you tell us why you're leaving Facebook? Check all that apply. 

__ Dad discovered emoticons.

__ Mom is taking ironic status updates seriously and commenting below them "What shnooksie?! I'm scared: call me NOW." 

__ The babies...they're everywhere...

__I've been getting ads for gay cruises after saying one thing in support of gay marriage. I can't afford a gay cruise! Do you know how much those cost? And they're tacky as hell! 

What do you think about when you think about Facebook?

a) Netipot: a disgusting, yet sadly necessary, daily routine.

b) Zuckerberg, or just a nice, cool dude who wants to connect people.

c) All your friends posting the latest trendy things to do.

d) Mom posting a sloth meme that somehow relates to Obamacare.

What would make you want to stay with Facebook?

a) Software that creates a wholesome profile based on one's most non-offensive interests that only parents, bosses, former teachers and hated acquaintances will see. 

b) A sophisticated algorithm that blocks status updates that contains words like "grateful, inspired, literally, ermahgerd and Beyonce." 

c) The ability to peer into a friend's hard drive and watch all of their pornography.  

d) More sex, drugs and bigotry. 

Compared to who I am in real life, my Facebook self is...

a) More careful about sharing anecdotes that could be construed as racist.

b) Supportive of others success in a way that over-compensates (so as not to sink into a vat of jealousy and self-pity).  
c) Almost never facing in that one ugly angle. 

d) Breezy and inauthentic, like the robot that answers at Apple customer service. 

Has the presence of Facebook in your life ever made you wish (check all that apply): 

__ Your friends were uglier / less successful / weren't all discovering the same Upworthy video at the same time?

__ You had accomplishments to share beyond "This weather sure is cold. Am I right or am I right or am I RIGHT?"

__ Your parents still relied on AOL IM?

__ You could find a filter for double chin?

Have you ever... (Check all that apply)

__Looked at your profile through the eyes of a frenemy?

__Posted a status update that could be construed as a "cry for help"?

__Received three likes for a status update about a fishing trip -- all from novelty cat accounts created by your parents? 

We're really sorry you've decided to leave Facebook, but we thank you for helping us understand why it's not "cool" anymore. We hope you find ways to share things -- like a new job or a fruit salad recipe -- through more applicable means like Foursquare, messenger birds and / or telegram. Good luck...


Mark and the entire Facebook team