New Idea!

So, you know how there's no money in the journalism biz? I have a new idea! Hey guys! How many times have you tried a diet and failed? I know I have!!! But not on the "Get Nervous" diet. On the "Get Nervous" diet, we send you one horrifying image, sound clip or video a day in the mail that shocks you so terribly you just have to poop! What will it be today? A writing deadline you just missed? A video of the Alaskan Way Viaduct falling to pieces? Or how about a hot person online who wants to talk to you but has a slutty tattoo? In Steven Blum's "Get Nervous Diet" we tailor our pictures to your greatest fears! Ever get overwhelmed by all the choices at the local Office Depot? We've got a picture for that! Think you'd poop if you won the lottery? Of course you would! We'll play a prank! We've got a massive library of your every fear! Rachel Ray, scabies, the inside of Northgate Mall...you literally won't ever stop pooping!*

*Steven Blum is not liable for any medical problems you may encounter from too many poops.

(Or you could just send me $20)

Unpublishable

Me: Hi.
Interviewee: Michael Pollen.
M: Shut up! How would you describe the food here?
I: Farm-fresh.
M: Go to hell, you clone! What do you really care about?
I: Sustainability.
M: MMMMMMk. So, let's talk about Italy or some shit.
I: Pompous digression .
M: Well that was unprintable. What about that recipe?
I: Esoteric, wonky aside 5 people will understand.
M: Cool. What if I crack a joke right now?
I: Grand pronouncement on the intersections between food and life. Unpublishable meaning-offering. Opinion held by 6 billion people.
M: NICE! Well, I think I've got enough here. I'll call you if I have any follow-ups!

Steven Re-Discovers Television

I'm at the folk's this week. After not watching TV in forevz, it is suddenly right here saying "What's up? Wanna buy a boat? Wanna stare at some jewelry while I speak in the voice of death?" Non-cable television is just as boring as ever but now it's in high-definition so it can bore me with every pore in Kathy Goertzen's face. Jay Leno just played a clip of a "Beer Pong Champ" flipping a ping pong ball into a cup of water - a spectacle to which Leno could only respond, unironically, with a short "wahoo!" (I miss Coco, Leno's like the grandpa who fails at feigning interest in your life). Then I switched the channel to Law and Order and its maudlin string section was trying to lure me into some lurid sex-crime spectacle, but I just wasn't ready to see a naked lady in a dumpster. So then I turned the TV off. The whole living room is pretty much arranged around the television so it feels weird now to sit in it and NOT watch television. The TV is all "Don't you want some age-defying makeup?" But the more I watch, the less of an anthropologist I become. I prefer the trash in small doses through a monocle. I'm sure you can relate.

To My Parents' Poor, Suicidal Kitty Cat

Poor, poor suicidal kitty. Why are you all alone in my parent's bedroom? Why don't you ever come out to play? Don't you know that I love you? I just called to say that I do, I do. Poor suicidal kitty cat. Remember that time when you jumped off the dining room table - during Shabbat, mind you - and flung your head into the window even though it was nighttime and there were no birds visible? You made us all scream, especially my mom. I love you but you always look distracted by something. A bad thought? I just want to hold you and nurse you like a child. Why did you ruin all our furniture? Why do you keep vomiting on our couch? Poor suicidal kitty cat...for some reason I don't feel like writing to anyone but you. Maybe that's because my friends don't want me to talk about them on a blog and I haven't figured out how to write fiction.

Do Seattle Public Elementary Schools Serve Real Food?

If you haven't already seen "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" show on ABC, I'd really recommend checking it out (you can watch the first two shows on Hulu here). In the show, Oliver attempts to change the eating habits of the most obese city in the United States - Huntington, West Virginia. Oliver, who's from Britain, is famous for re-vamping the British school lunch system and, since the kids there ate crap, and the kids here eat crap, and because kids who eat crap tend to grow up into adults who eat crap, the show focuses mainly on Oliver's attempts to re-vamp Huntington's school lunch program, which is filled to the brim with crap. At Huntington, they serve frozen pizza for breakfast. Lunch is chicken nuggets with a side of goop. Then the kids gulp it all down with florescent pink milk.

The visuals of these kids eating all this crap is enough to make anyone's stomach turn, because if you grow up not knowing what good food actually tastes like, how can you not get fat and end up with diabetes? The show got me wondering: what kind of meals are we serving kids in Seattle public schools? Is it real food, or does it just sound like real food? You'd think Seattle - home to farmer's markets, co-ops, and plenty of upscale restaurants that make a point about serving only farm-fresh food - would have enough people concerned about food to not serve our kids total crap.

Tonight, I took a look at the Seattle Public School's "Nutrition Services" website. There, I found a page that listed all the food given to Seattle Public Elementary Schools this month. A lot of it looks potentially yummy and healthy (fajita chicken, beef teriyaki, penne marinara) but a lot also looks dubious (chicken "drummies," fish "nuggets," mozzarella cheese breadsticks). Who ever heard of breadsticks for lunch? And where is this food coming from? What is its shelf life?

There's a part of the website labeled "nutritional analysis" with a bunch of dead links. However, I was able to find nutritional info on March's lunches. It's what you'd expect - hot dogs bad, salad good - but I couldn't find any information on suppliers, sources, or anything like that. On a good note, it looks like a lot of these meals contain a range of healthy sides, like baby carrots, grapes, even jicama salads - which is definitely a step above Huntington's pizza with a side of roll and corn syrup. Grapes are usually born on vines and carrots - last time I checked- can't be created in a laboratory (although I'm sure there are some rogue GMO carrots running around out there).

Even though I have a better sense of what kids are eating in Seattle schools, it would be interesting, and important, to hear a Seattle Public School official explain where this food is from and how it's prepared. Does the food just sound appetizing (the way school lunches always sound appetizing)? Or is it the real un-frozen, un-fucked around with food we need to be feeding our kids? In the next few days, I plan on tracking down someone and seeing if I can find an answer...

Spring Cleaning

Hello. This post is brought to you by two lesbians playing catch with their dogs, a child pretending he is nauseous on a tire swing, a bench that’s half-rotted and Spring. It is finally Spring. I feel like I just got sprung! I feel like saying “I feel like” is really annoying so I’m going to stop now. But seriously, dudes. Even newspaper reporters sound more chipper in print now that the sun’s out. Something has fundamentally and seismically shifted. It’s the most dramatic seasonal change I’ve experienced thus far in Seattle. I also have this break from school and time to digest my thoughts. Perhaps too much time. Also, too much time to stare at clothing in stores and think about buying it. Uh oh. I’m feeling more honest with myself, which is really the only place to be (or not…hold me). These are a few of the things I’ve been thinking about (lists comfort me, so you only have to hold me a little).

1. I’m not so sure how to feel about this one, but my brain has become a series of witty zinger status updates. Either that or my brain is like a comments thread on the world’s most derivative blog. It just oscillates between the two, with little warning. Soon there will be an iPhone app that will pick up on our brainwaves and send our best thoughts to a status updater and we will never have to experience this oscillation ever again. This will be a joyous day.

2. I am re-evaluating situations where I literally have to take my brain out of my skull and put it in a pretty pink box (the kind for gay brains). This happens to me a lot. At work, at school, at home. I would appreciate if my job could be “sitting on my ass getting stoned and watching the September Issue.” That actually requires like 75% of my brain. Okay “god”? You got that?

3. I have re-discovered alcohol and boys. This means I occasionally transform myself into a huge queen and make out with everyone. Boys are weird. I'm not sure if I'm looking for a relationship. God do I love queens, though. And bitches. I met the fucking biggest queen bitch a few nights ago and I feel like I’m still riding high off the encounter.

4. I just saw "Greenberg". It was meh, but I think that's what it intended to be, so it succeeded. I mean, it was like one of those "important movies" people will probably talk about for a while, even though they didn't really like it. You can't really like the movie unless you detach yourself from Ben Stiller's problems and absorb it like a comedy, but I found that impossible. So I ended up both relating to and detesting the main character, coming to know my own inner asshole just a bit better. It was weirdly therapeutic, and also depressing.

5. I've been reading way too much about the health care debate. Sometimes it makes me nauseous. I literally commented on a Fox News article I thought was "fear-mongering". I think it got deleted somehow, because when I went back to check on it and see how folks had responded, it wasn't there. They can't do that, right?

Today in Surviving Seattle

This afternoon, the Stranger dropped their 2010 Economic Survival Guide - which was hilarious and wonderful - but they left a few things out. As a freelancer, I'm even poorer, and I'd like to fill those holes right here (ew, sorry). These are the ways I save my monies.

I Go to Public Parks

People in Seattle often seem to forget that "West Seattle" exists. It's sad, but true. Coming back from Alki the other day, one of my roommates was all "Alki? I've always wondered what that was..." then she stared off into nothing and I had to revive her (she's from California). ALKI IS SO PRETTY, BITCHES! 'Specially right now. Beaches cost nothin', sand is free! Flock there.

I Eat Cheap-Ass "Ethnic" Food and Stuff My Face at Happy Hours

I second Saigon Deli's deliciousness. Presse is also fairly cheap for smaller, brunchier items. Ramen is a bit pricier than Pho, but more filling. Tolouse Petit's happy hour is amazing - probably the best in Seattle - and Bastille's aint half bad either.

I Use the Free Interwebs in the U-District

Did you know the interwebs are free in the U-District? They are! You can even sit out on the lawn and stay connected (I just did this!). Go grab something from Saigon Deli with fish sauce, sit on a grassy knoll and cruise Hulu on your laptop. Perfect!

But I Don't Want to Sit, Alone, With A Laptop On A Sunny Day

Walk down Brooklyn till you hit the water. It's nice down there.

I Walk in the Woods

The Ravenna Ravine is scary silent during the day. Huge trees loom over you, a babbling brook babbles and somewhere nearby you can hear medieval nerds playing with plastic sticks. It's disquieting, and quieting, all at the same time. It's also the most isolated place I've found in a residential neighborhood. I know, I know- Seattle is already isolating. But if it's not isolating enough, check out this park!
I Take the Light Rail for Fun

Take it to Columbia city, get off, walk to Full Tilt, play ice cream, eat video games, listen to music, you know...the usual. Bonus: you can laugh at all the Escalades parked outside and the fact that, a night, Columbia City means people yelling at each other for no reason and jumping into the middle of the street without an "okay" signal. It's crazy down there!

I Get Paid to Speak English

Becoming an English teacher is easy. Not the "literature" kind, silly. That's harder. But it's easy to volunteer at Seattle Central Community College, teach immigrants how to read books, and eventually get paid to do it. Show up enough and they'll start paying you. If it happened to me, it could happen to anyone. It'll get you out of the house, feeling good, and making a dime.

Oh, So You're An Even Bigger Do-Gooder?

Woah there, okay. Here's what you do: you work at the Crisis Clinic. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Steven! Isn't listening to other people's problems for hours and hours totally sad?" Well, yes and no. Their problems ARE sad, but the experience actually makes you a better listener. It gives you ideas for stories. It makes you feel less alone, and useful in the best sense of the word. And, the next time a job interview lands in your lap, you'll get it because you'll have Ira Glass-level listening skillz.

I Don't Pay for Shows

Why pay for a show when you can just say you're "press" and get in for free? People rarely check because they don't want to embarrass themselves. Why should the press have all the fun? Try it!

I Started A Blog

So far, it's made me fifty cents, but maybe you'll have better luck? I Can Haz Cheesburger and Fail Blog both started in Seattle. Clearly, we're a bored city. Try and find a theme for your blog and stick to it (I've found this impossible, and that's why five people read my blog). And remember: the internet is the new Manhattan. One day you're in, the next Heidi Klum is kissing your cheek goodbye, so don't feel too bad if you're not the next youtube overnight. Eventually, people will click on your ads and you'll start making some cash.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I feel like my advice is less "how to survive in Seattle" than it is "how to become more like Steven Blum," which I'm actually totally fine with. Bye guys!

Oh My God, It's Allison Janney and A Llama!

No Gay Man Would Wear That Scarf

It's All Here, Baby

Find many more ways to irritate your friends here.