Le Tour Official De Cannes

Hello and welcome to Cahhhness. Shhhh. You must say it "under your breath." These sunglasses are pour vous. Please put them on. QUICKLY QUICKLY! Ahh, now you can see. Hello! I wave to you. Ahaha! Everyone is le color de caramel, no? It's no surprise. We actually melted gold lame marbles into the ground. Oui oui! Le color reflects off le faces of le peoples until they glow like, ay, uhm, Academy Award. This is how you make an award face. Okay, I'm sorry but you're time is up. You must be a costume designer. We do not want to hear about your mother.

Come with me, I want to take you to the city center. Tom Cruise's Centre Control pour le Rhinoplasticity is down the block. Can you see it? We must be careful. Careful. Sometimes, he leaps from le corner and he will steal your depression medication if you are not careful. Oh, we just passed it. It's too late now. Je suis desolee. There, okay, if you look quickly, you can see Nicole Kidman's artificial intelligence program for young alien beauty queens! QUICKLY! It's gone now. I can't slow down. But we must be very quiet, still, even dans le vicinity. One time, ehhhmm, someone interrupted Ms. Kidman's rehearsal. It was so bad! She turned one lady's face into. An. Award face. No, FOREVER! Oui, ce'st vrai. She is not allowed to leave le burger king parce que it makes the employees there especially quite happy. Every meal, she thanks each person who helped to create it.

If you look to your left (QUICKLY!), you'll see our version of McDonald's. Here burgers come with foie gras. Oui! And pickled cabbage! On delicious gold lame bread. Oui oui! You have to go wee wee? Oh, it was me who said that. Sorry, je confuse myself.

Down the road we find the druids. Yah. Ce'st une cult of lost Palm Beach Jews. They decidehh to, uhm, settle here apres le GRAND retirement home food riots of the late 1980's. Now they've become quite successful! And you can come to Yom Kipper services led by Dustin Hoffman. Oui, ce'st vrai.

QUICKLY!

You look, eeehhhmmm, not so good. Here, take this packet of Nivea. Yah. Uhm, that is not enough. You must, ehhm, slather it? Oui, all over your body, merci. There, that's, well, it's still not so good actually. Actually, maybe you are not ready pour le lifestyle parijen. C'est triste. Mais, still, you can make your face of the award? No? Oh, je suis desolee. I cue music now.