New Idea!

So, you know how there's no money in the journalism biz? I have a new idea! Hey guys! How many times have you tried a diet and failed? I know I have!!! But not on the "Get Nervous" diet. On the "Get Nervous" diet, we send you one horrifying image, sound clip or video a day in the mail that shocks you so terribly you just have to poop! What will it be today? A writing deadline you just missed? A video of the Alaskan Way Viaduct falling to pieces? Or how about a hot person online who wants to talk to you but has a slutty tattoo? In Steven Blum's "Get Nervous Diet" we tailor our pictures to your greatest fears! Ever get overwhelmed by all the choices at the local Office Depot? We've got a picture for that! Think you'd poop if you won the lottery? Of course you would! We'll play a prank! We've got a massive library of your every fear! Rachel Ray, scabies, the inside of Northgate Mall...you literally won't ever stop pooping!*

*Steven Blum is not liable for any medical problems you may encounter from too many poops.

(Or you could just send me $20)

Unpublishable

Me: Hi.
Interviewee: Michael Pollen.
M: Shut up! How would you describe the food here?
I: Farm-fresh.
M: Go to hell, you clone! What do you really care about?
I: Sustainability.
M: MMMMMMk. So, let's talk about Italy or some shit.
I: Pompous digression .
M: Well that was unprintable. What about that recipe?
I: Esoteric, wonky aside 5 people will understand.
M: Cool. What if I crack a joke right now?
I: Grand pronouncement on the intersections between food and life. Unpublishable meaning-offering. Opinion held by 6 billion people.
M: NICE! Well, I think I've got enough here. I'll call you if I have any follow-ups!

Steven Re-Discovers Television

I'm at the folk's this week. After not watching TV in forevz, it is suddenly right here saying "What's up? Wanna buy a boat? Wanna stare at some jewelry while I speak in the voice of death?" Non-cable television is just as boring as ever but now it's in high-definition so it can bore me with every pore in Kathy Goertzen's face. Jay Leno just played a clip of a "Beer Pong Champ" flipping a ping pong ball into a cup of water - a spectacle to which Leno could only respond, unironically, with a short "wahoo!" (I miss Coco, Leno's like the grandpa who fails at feigning interest in your life). Then I switched the channel to Law and Order and its maudlin string section was trying to lure me into some lurid sex-crime spectacle, but I just wasn't ready to see a naked lady in a dumpster. So then I turned the TV off. The whole living room is pretty much arranged around the television so it feels weird now to sit in it and NOT watch television. The TV is all "Don't you want some age-defying makeup?" But the more I watch, the less of an anthropologist I become. I prefer the trash in small doses through a monocle. I'm sure you can relate.

To My Parents' Poor, Suicidal Kitty Cat

Poor, poor suicidal kitty. Why are you all alone in my parent's bedroom? Why don't you ever come out to play? Don't you know that I love you? I just called to say that I do, I do. Poor suicidal kitty cat. Remember that time when you jumped off the dining room table - during Shabbat, mind you - and flung your head into the window even though it was nighttime and there were no birds visible? You made us all scream, especially my mom. I love you but you always look distracted by something. A bad thought? I just want to hold you and nurse you like a child. Why did you ruin all our furniture? Why do you keep vomiting on our couch? Poor suicidal kitty cat...for some reason I don't feel like writing to anyone but you. Maybe that's because my friends don't want me to talk about them on a blog and I haven't figured out how to write fiction.