What Goes Down Must Come Up, But I'd Rather It Stayed Down

The toilet in my apartment is broken, and it's been broken ever since I moved in. You can take a crap in it (it still allows you to do that) but then, around the fifth time you use it, the flush just brings the water back up, to my apartment, where all my clothes and books and rugs and beds and desks are. And it brings your poop and toilet paper with it. It's disgusting, and I've called in my manager about six times to come up and look at it. He brings this big long metal thing called a snake and sticks it into the bowl, through the wads of toilet paper and, uh, other things, and then he cranks the handle on top until he's unclogged it. Let me reiterate: he's done this six times. I don't really know him that well, but now he's seen my poo over and over again, gotten up close to it, smelled it, talked to me about it. Over and over again.

All of this is frustrating, in and of itself, but what's even worse is that my manager somehow thinks I'm making up the whole story. He thinks I've been clogging the toilet, intentionally!, with toilet paper, because, you know, I have nothing else better to do in my life. He's also asked me if I take hard poops, if I eat enough ruffage, yada yada because I am an old man with poop problems, apparently. I usually sit on the couch, while he takes the snake and winds it through my toilet bowl, asking me about how much toilet paper I used, and questioning me like I'm a poop fetishist on Law and Order and I'm trying to reel him into my poop themed life and watch him touch my poop (so hot).

All of this reached a breaking point when I left my apartment and he had a plumber take out my entire toilet, and take a look around to see if there was anything wrong with my plumbing. There was nothing wrong with my plumbing. So he left me a note. Let me read it to you. It says...

"Hi, Steven,

The Plumber was here and pulled your toilet for a complete examination. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the toilet or the toilet bend. He said it worked perfectly and is a good brand of toilet. He turned it upside down, sideways, and in every way inspected it for anything that may have been in it and reported it was 'clean as a whistle.'

None of the past tenants in your unit has ever reported a problem with a blocked toilet.

In the last 20 days I have cleared your toilet 5 times and have observed a large amount of toilet paper. More than what a reasonable person would expect to be flushed in one flush.

If you block up the toilet it is your responsibility to unblock it. The plumber had two recommendations.
1. Use the flush method. If you have a large load, flush, then continue your process and flush again after the water has filled the bowl.
2. Get a better plunger that is pliable. The plumber tested yours and said it was worthless.

I have purchases for you a new plunger and a toilet snake. You have observed me enough times clearing your toilet with the snake that by now you probably already know how to use it, but if not, there are instructions and drawings included with your new snake. Try using the plunger first. It will probably take care of the clog. If not, then use the snake."

Did you see what he just did? He just blamed me for clogging the toilet. I do not use an excess of toilet paper. I do not have hard poos. I'm not trying to sabotage him and distract him from his busy busy life with my inability to use a reasonable amount of toilet paper. The toilet doesn't fucking flush!

Day 2 of being back from New York and the toilet is already clogged. I guess I'm going to have to cover my face with my t-shirt and stick this snake thing inside of it, wind it up until my poo and toilet paper break apart.

Life, man. It just keeps going.