Seeing Lady Gaga in Berlin

The florescent glow inside my S-Bahn train cannot compete with the blue neon lights of O2 World, a massive stadium which sits near the border between Friedrischain and Kreuzberg. This is where the wall between East and West Berlin once stood, now home to murals with messages of peace and intercontinental understanding. 

I'm on the phone with my friend Matthew, trying to decide whether or not I want to scalp tickets to the Lady Gaga concert, which starts in less than one hour. On the one hand, how can I not? This is Gaga we're talking about: an extraordinary machine, an outrageous provocateur, a larger than life drag queen who stands up for the gays. She is Berlin, commodified. And according to various gossip magazines, it was Berlin that inspired Gaga to create her latest album.

On the other hand, I feel haggard and stressed from my day spent blogging about the latest tech news. My Value Village V-neck sweater is pelting and has a prominent hole near one nipple. I'm not sure I'm ready for the prying eyes of the House of Ga.  

In Gaga's album, German is embraced. But it's actually a bullshit version of German. I asked a few German people if they could understand what GaGa was trying to say in her song "Scheisse" and they told me...no. It is not German. It is some weird gobbledeegook Gaga invented to seem more worldly (or perhaps attract more attention in the largest economy in Europe). I decide that I have to see how the German audience reacts to her. 

Under the U-Bahn tracks, an Indian man sells me a 2nd-mezzanine ticket for $50 that he promises is "really okay!" I ask him if I'll be able to see anything. "Yes, you will be able to see many things!" he says. I honestly feel like the luckiest boy in the world.   

I walk inside the stadium, and a security guard searches my bag. "You can't bring this in here," he says, holding up my Kindle. "What? It's an e-reader?" "We don't allow Kindles." "Really? Its sole function is displaying text in a legible format. Are you afraid I'm going to read?" The security guard passes it to a colleague, who inspects it thoroughly before giving it back to me. "Nice case!" she says, and lets me in.

Inside the stadium, the crowd is strangely quiet. There aren't a whole lot of people dressed up, although I was able to get a picture of these two crazed fans buying a Döner (Berlin meat sandwich):

Berlin meat sandwich.

I find my seat after taking three escalators from the lobby. I have to stand up and look down to get a good view of the stage, where a large and haunted-looking house is being lit up by strobes. The lights go off and suddenly an inflated alien vagina is rolled on to the stage."Uuuuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhh, uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhh," Gaga moans. She emerges from the vagina and is lead around the stage. 

"How are all my monsters in Berlin doing tonight?!?!" she yells like a maniac.

"We're doing great, GaGa!!!" I yell. 

"I love you Berliners," Gaga says. She grabs a German flag and starts waving it. At first, the crowd is unsure how to react (this is Germany; nationalism is a touchy subject). But a few seconds later, they go wild.   

Gaga does 6 songs in rapid procession, all from her earlier albums (Poker Face, LoveGame, Just Dance, etc.). Everything's going by so quickly, I can barely keep up. The stage is writhing mass of near-naked body parts.

An orb featuring Gaga's alien face flies down from the top of the Haunted House, talking about the end of the world. Now it's time for "Born This Way," which Gaga sings in her weird alien make-up.

After that's over, the haunted house opens up like a toy and Gaga begins singing "Alejandro" while strapped to a rack of meat. "This is for everyone who's ever felt like a piece of meat!" she yells. Three meat grinders are rolled on to the stage and dancers dive down into them headfirst, their legs twirling to the beat as they're ground into hamburgers.  

Next, she sits down next to the piano for the introspective, inspiring section of the concert. 

I'm not going to lie and pretend I remember everything she said, so I've made up some lines of dialogue that should give you the gist:

"I used to be just like you! But then I believed in myself and now look at me: I'm a rockstar and I don't give a fuck!"

Gaga then grabs a girl from the "Monster Pit" who is clearly high on something. She smells her armpits. "Oh my god, you smell amazing," she says. "Folks, this girl smells AMAZING." 

Gaga begins singing on a motorcycle with a piano built into it. The girl holds on to her from behind. 

"She's touching my boob," Gaga says, in between singing "Speechless" and "Hair." The crowd is slightly confused by the high girl, but Gaga doesn't break character for a moment. Her voice soars. 

 Terrible in-concert photo of all the groping action

"I love you Germany!" she yells. "I hope you love me too! But even if you don't, I don't really give a fuck!" Gaga brings out a gorgeous black dancer. "Patrique? Do you give a fuck?" 

"I don't give a FUCK!" Patrique says. 

"What about you pancake?"

"Nuh uh!"

"See, they don't give a fuck, either! Do you give a fuck, Berlin?"

"NOOOO!!" I yell. 

"I've walked your streets, Berlin. I like it here. I love the Laboratory!" she says. The Laboratory is a gay sex club in the basement of the most famous club in Germany, legendary for poop nights and lots of dangerous unprotected sex.  

A few gay men in the audience laugh. There aren't many of them. The stadium is mostly filled with parents and children.

Gaga disappears again, then re-emerges for a final "we are the world" procession around a stage which surrounds the Monster Pit. She picks a few well-dressed monsters to join her. Everyone is screaming. 

Then it's over. 

I walk downstairs and find the crowd calmly packing the escalators, as if nothing has even happened. Everyone is either exhausted or they were secretly bored the entire time. 

I wonder to myself: does Germany need a Gaga? It's a radically different cultural landscape than in the U.S. This is a country where children learn about sex at a very young age. There is no abstinence-only education. Sex shops are everywhere. Gay saunas are everywhere. She's not going to shock anyone with her scandalous ways.   

At the same time, there's still fear and bigotry here. Lady Gaga's message of empowerment isn't anything to scoff at. I take the train home, feeling 10% gayer than three hours ago. It was totally worth the $50.