The Inauguration Speech I WISH Obama Had Just Given

Hi, my name is Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Yeah, that's right: HUSSEIN. Suck it, Islamaphobes. I'm proud to be your 44th president. I was going to try to awe you with some soaring rhetoric that draws from our nation's rich and storied history, but then I thought, you know what? I don't give a FUCK. It's my second term, bitches!

Now, there's been a lot of talk recently about gun control and I just want to say that the NRA must be brought down. We can no longer sit back and have kids being killed by guns seem like a normal thing. So, starting today, we will no longer allow anyone to buy a gun unless the government has determined that their lives are actually at stake and an abusive spouse or someone else crazy is going to burst into their house and kill them. Oh, and stop dehumanizing mentally ill people after massacres, Republicans.  You either blame them or Marilyn Manson. They're not the problem: guns are.

Also, now that I no longer have to worry about being re-elected, I'm going to go full-force on the immigration issue. Anyone residing in the States who was brought here by their parents, legally or illegally, must be eligible to stay so long as they have no criminal record. They must be eligible for in-state tuition, driver's licenses, and all the benefits citizenship affords. Our best and brightest can't be shipped away because of where they were or were not born.

Because of the importance I place on arts education, I am announcing a new budget for the national endowment for the arts of 2 billion dollars, which will be distributed to school arts programs, teachers, museums, individual artists, gallery collectives, arts residency programs, artist health care initiatives and artist housing. This is to combat the force that gentrification is playing in our nation's biggest cities, forcing artists out while turning once vital neighborhoods into cookie cutter yoga studios and cupcake shops. Speaking of urban planning, the White House is now working on putting real bike lanes on every street in every major city. Countries like the Netherlands, Germany, Spain and Sweden are beating our ASS when it comes to bike lanes. 

Oh, speaking of the rest of the world, we're no longer going to pretend it doesn't exist. We're going to see what works in other places and apply it here and stop being dicks about our own "exceptionalism." If Germany is able to get half their energy from renewables we can too. Our foreign policy needs to get with the program, too. Dunno if you've read, but shit is really fucked up in Iran, North Korea, Gaza and Syria, and we're going to try to help by relying on scholars who know the history of these countries and Anthropologists who've lived there. And we're not going to pretend that drones are the answer to all of our problems because they're fucking creepy.

Hmmm, what else? Oh yeah: higher soda taxes, everywhere. Because seriously, Coke is making us fat. But please stop blaming the nation's problems on fat people.  The way our country treats fat people is disgusting and shameful.  Also, I'm personally going to fight tooth and nail for more money for Planned Parenthood because god fucking damnit, sex education saves women from unplanned pregnancies, HIV prevention programs save lives, and too many kids don't know their butt hole from their vagina. Good sex lowers stress; we should all be having it right now. [WINK AT MICHELLE]

Finally, let's talk about the media. First of all, I love 30 Rock and Parks and Recration. I believe we're entering a golden era of television. But HBO needs to start letting people buy episodes of Girls a la carte. Am I right or am I right? But while I love Tina Fey, our journalism world is a mess! Content farms are eating away at the bottom line of every newspaper in America. Now they're so desperate for cash that they'll write about anything, including the Kardashians! Just to balance that shit out, I'm giving NPR a billion dollars. Because, you know, they're the kind of organization that doesn't make people hate each other because of their political beliefs, unlike most cable news. And no, they don't have a liberal bias. Google that shit. Another billion will go to fund journalism fellowships at newspapers across the country to lure the best and brightest. 

Lastly, no more unpaid internships. They're turning us into a plutocracy. AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

OBAMA OUT!