Monday, December 22, 2008

The First Obligatory Israel Post

HAY! Wanna hear about Israel? No? I don't blame you. It's kind of an exhausted topic huh? Quite frankly, my brain tends to shut off when I even hear the word because I know I'm about to get an earfull of someones insufferably well-informed "opinion" on the "conflict." I've literally been to dinner parties and walked away from conversations about Israel. It's just so...college. Or something. But I'm here, actually in Israel, so I guess I'll try to think of something to say. God this is hard. I sort of feel like I'm firebombing the old city and simultaneously pissing on my ancestor's grave. I certainly can't think of anything nice to say.

All fellow Jews listen to this: Israel is the absolute worst possible place to feel like you're "getting away from it all." I know what your friends said and they're wrong. You're not getting away from anything here. If anything you're immersing yourself in all the weird cultural corners of "what it means to be a jew." You will be asked what you want to do when you grow up a thousand times. You will be pestered. You will be lectured to. You will see elements of your mother in women you meet. You will see elements of your father in men you meet. Do not expect to relax. Expect to argue. If you're from Seattle, consider yourself very ill-prepared. If you're a crier, don't expect a shoulder. Everyone was in the army and they cover their sadness with anger.

Israelis are loud. They're rude. They're provincial. They sort of sprawl out messily. They're unapologetically obsessed with money and status and they don't put a smile on their face when they're pissed off at the world. I like them and I hate them. I am them. I'm not them. One thing I've been grappling with is the idea that the Israelis live the way American jews would live if we weren't so bound by the unspoken social, sexual and moral codes of these aryan United States. But I no longer think this is true. They're a completely different people.

Okay okay, so it's not all bad. I do enjoy the national past time of commiseration. At any given moment, I can communicate my disgust with my current situation to any Israeli around me with a sad, wry smile and get a sad, wry smile in return. But is that zionism or whatever? I think not.

One other thing: I'm really sick of being gay here. Are you listening, GOD? Can you make it easier for me to have Gaydar please? It's fucking impossible to tell anything. Everyone's well-dressed, men have stereotypical lisps, everyone's got one "arm across the shoulder"of their "best friend" and yet they're all "straight" and offended by my "accusation."

I complain about it to everyone I meet, but I should really stop expecting commiseration. Everyone likes to believe it's not a big deal here (unless you're trying to make out with a Hasid) and if you have a grievance with life's more unsavory elements in general, step in line. There are a million people in front of you. As a gay man, you're standing behind the Palestinians. Do you really want to stand there? At least everyone knows someone they want to set you up with. You'll have to explain numerous times that gays don't uniformly fall in love with their own people. There are worse things. You know it's true.

Is it pretty here? Yeah. It is. It really is. I mean, for one it's sunny (don't hate me!) and there's this thing called "Jerusalem stone" everywhere which is this gorgeous brushed brick everyone uses to build things and when it's sunny outside buildings literally glow. But there's not as much innovative architecture in Tel Aviv as I expected (thanks for the lies, Wallpaper). Sure they've stolen a little Bauhaus architecture from London, and there's a bit of a UNESCO Paris feel to the apartments in Tel Aviv but talking about it seems more like exoticizing hideous old architecture than lauding anything innovative. And it's hard finding things to buy. Perhaps I've been visiting overly-touristy areas but if I have to see one more olive branch or shining city on the hill glazed on to a plate I'm going to punch a baby. They're not just in Jerusalem...played out Judaica is everywhere. What did I expect? I don't know. That will be the new theme of this blog: Steven's expectations routinely getting fucked up the ass. Steven blogging about how traveling is so hard. What a painful, terrible life I lead. Enjoy the schadenfreude.

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