A Patronizing Review of Tonight's Fireworks By Loch Ness Monster

Tonight was fireworks. Some of you may have seen them.

Hay.

Why can't fireworks fly closer to Loch Ness Monster?

I in San Juans, they too far away!

And why not fireworks that spell my name and no look like shimmering dandruff!

L-O-C-H-N-E-S-S-M-O-N-S-T-E-R too elaborate for fucking Ivars or whatever?

Also- why no black firework? Pier racist against my black Loch bretheren?

Many firework look like the color of clown costume, or vomit. I reminded of my girlfriend who dead. Thanks fourth of july.

I want firework closer to my face! I want firework to burn off eyebrow cause it so close. I want surround sound like at Disney Epricot.

It depresses Loch Ness Monster when he talks about firework and people tell him to be quiet so they can hear NPR. Loch Ness Monster likes and understands the quality radio programming of NPR but thinks his commentary is often better than classical music. Why angry? Just cause I loud? Loch can't help the VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!

This is Loch Ness Monster's review of firework for yelp.com or something. If you angry or upset too write your own damned review.