Don't Let Me Drive Your Car

I'm a terrible driver and I should never be allowed to operate a vehicle.

It's not that I'm reckless (I wish I was reckless)...the problem is that I'm a bad driver. I'm slow. I drive like I'm daydreaming, and half the time, I am daydreaming.

I think about the trees on the street, I stare at cute boys on their bikes, and generally do everything wrong.

You know how visitors from Los Angeles and New York and anywhere come to Seattle and complain because of all the bad drivers? They comment about how no one honks and no one is assertive and everyone drives like they have nowhere to go? Yeah, when they complain, they're usually talking about drivers like me. I'm the bad drivers. I'm the kind of Seattle driver that gives all of Seattle drivers a bad name.

Also- honking freaks me out. When someone honks at me, I take it as a personal offense. I get really tense, and then I feel guilty and ashamed. This makes me drive even worse, because I'm emotionally distressed. I mutter a lot too when this happens, often very quietly, but it is certainly noticeable if someone else is in the car.

No one should ever drive with me. People do, but they're retarded for doing it. Don't you realize I'm putting your life at risk? What are you, insane? Get out of the car! Get out of the car!

Sometimes people will tell me stories about how irritated they were driving home because "some fucker was driving like twenty miles per hour! On an arterial!" I often nod and laugh and say something like "man I hate those assholes" but secretly I'm thinking "Shit..I amthat asshole."

Sometimes I'm a great driver. Sometimes, when I'm in the right state of mind, everything just flows, and I make all my turns effortlessly, merging is simple, and I'm assertive.

But usually not.

And I know I know, I should buy a bike. I know I know, bikes are better for the world, bikes make you feel alive, bikes make you feel connected to your environment, bikes are beautiful beautiful pieces of machinery we should all make love to...but I just don't want to ride a bike. I'd feel even more terrified of the road on a bike. If you gave me a bike and told me to bike to work every day, I'd be dead in a year and you'd have to tell my parents how sorry you are for their loss because you wanted to help the "environment." Well guess what? I'd die faster riding a bike than sucking in pollution every day so fuck off.

For now, I'm going to drive my car and try not die or kill anyone.

To my parents, who are probably reading this; I'm just kidding. That scrape is from someone else.