Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bratz Dolls Turned Me Into A Slut



Lots of mothers across the country view Bratz dolls with disdain. “They’re worse than Barbies! They look like hookers! They’re making our children hump household objects!” the mothers say.

I’ve come to the Rite Aid Store in Wedgwood to buy a doll of my own and try to understand why everyone hates them so much.

I’d pitched the Bratz dolls idea to Christopher Frizzelle, the editor-in-chief of the Stranger, on a whim, basically trying to explain to him I had absolutely no idea what to write for the paper, and writing about the Bratz dolls in the Rite Aid down the street from my parent’s house seemed as good an idea as any. Surprisingly, Christopher didn’t shoot down the idea, but instead seemed incredulous I could adequately capture the salaciousness and scandal that is the Bratz doll. “Adrian Ryan can pull off stories like this, but only because he’s a confident writer...”

And now, here I am, writing on a note pad balanced on the trunk of my Camry, in the Rite Aid parking lot. It’s cold and my nose is running and it looks like I’m writing myself a parking ticket but I feel perfectly confident, Christopher.

“Sugar pie honey nut,” plays over the Rite Aid musak system, likely gracing the presence of Rite Aids all across the country. “I can’t help myself!”

I wander dazedly into the toy section. There are a few different kinds of Bratz dolls to choose from at this particular Rite Aid.



There’s Jade.

She’s an asian Bratz doll. Under the Bratz logo are the words (wordz?) “Sleep Over.” This Bratz doll, I suppose, is meant to sleep in the bed with you.

Above Jade, anchored by wires, is a cat with an enormous head, a tiny curly tail and two mis-shaped eyes cartoonists often use to denote mental retardation (in the picture, its right next to her).

Jade, too, has odd crescent moon eyes, and her eyelids are about 1/3 closed. Make that ¼ closed. She also has a baby bottle strapped to her shoulder.

I’d tell you, from the look in her eyes, it looks like Jade wants to fuck me, but that’s too obvious a conclusion to draw. The American Psychological Association has already said “Bratz are highly sexualized dolls” and everyone who’s ever had an opinion on what girls and boys should and shoudn’t play with has already shared it on message boards everywhere.

But it seems unfair to pick only on Jade. There are lots of scantily-clad dolls in the Rite Aid toy aisle.

There’s Beach Glam Nikki, an African American doll wearing a bikini and carrying a boho-chic frayed towel that has been folded over to make a little bag. MyScene Sporty Style, an Adidas branded Tennis-playing doll wearing an eensy weensy Tennis skirt.

What makes Bratz dolls the most offensive of all? If I was forced by someone to come up with an answer, I’d say the eyes. It looks like Jade is undressing me with her half-open stereotypically Asian, sexually submissive eyes.

I’m going to have to interrupt this article because “God Bless America” is now playing over the Rite Aid loudspeakers and I think it’s time to reflect on this great country and all the wonderful opportunities it has given me.

I wander through the Brita water filters and rubber maid containers looking for a salesperson.

In this lighting, in this fluorescent daze, everything looks bright and cloudy. I pass by two older middle-aged people in the cereal aisle. They look exhausted.

The saleswoman has no idea how many Bratz dolls are sold here every week, or month, or year but she tells me she thinks my report is a ‘good idea.’

I buy the Bratz doll, so I can inspect it in its 3-d glory and fully understand its sexualizing powers. It costs 12 dollars.

I drive home and call my mom, to see what the “public” thinks about Bratz dolls.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hi Steven.”

“I’m doing this report….have you ever heard of Bratz dolls.”

“What?”

“Bratz dolls.”

“Brad? Dolls?”

“No, they’re called Bratz dolls. They sell them at places like Rite Aid.”

“No I’ve never heard of Bratz dolls. Who are you writing this report for? The Stranger?”

“Yeah...can I quote you?”

“Okay…No. Please don’t actually.”

The public (my mother) has not heard of Bratz dolls, thus it is not actually a controversy at all.

The Bratz doll I bought has now been sitting on my desk, staring at me for over two hours. I’d invite a child to come over and play with it and then ask them if they feel more sexual afterwards, but I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and positive it’s creepy.

Personally, this Bratz doll has totally made me want to buy cut-off shirts, and low-rise jeans.

1 comment:

Jonny Durango said...

i think you mean "sugar pie, honey BUNCH" by the four tops =)