McSweeney's Attempts to Talk as a Couch

Here.

Those things said, could you guys scrimp a bit in some area other than sheets? These last ones you put on me have a thread count of, like, 8. I swear to God, they're made of yarn. I hope both of you can remember this after I'm gone: sheets are a mattress's shirt. Do you know anyone who wears a motherfucking yarn shirt? Strangely, you probably do.