Saturday, January 26, 2008

How Not to Study Abroad

Day 1:
Oh my god! I'm in another country! Everything's so different! Look at that tree! Look at this brochure! It's in another language! 

Day 2:
SUN!??!?!? IT'S SUNNY OUTSIDE! Ah, blessed sun, shine down on me and fill me with Vitamin D. Ah. That's it. Just like that. Oh that feels good. More more more more more! I've never felt more alive!!!! Look at my skin! I'm glowing!

Day 3:
Lord, I have to pay how much to go online? This culture isn't all that interesting. I feel like I'm in a bad version of America. Maybe I should have gone to Europe....Fuck.

Day 4:
Where are all the gay people? Are there any gay people here? They don't have their own newspaper? What kind of city is this? 

Day 5:
Ah! The townships are just so different!  Time just feels different there. I can't believe people are smiling at me. You want me to stay over for dinner?? Really??! But I've barely said anything interesting to you! You want to talk about American politics!? Well, I'm no expert but I do know a few things.  Oh my god, you think I'm interesting?! No one thinks I'm interesting! 

Day 6:
Shit. You got mugged? Ohmygod, my mom was right. Auntie Susan was right. I should have never come here! I AM GOING TO DIE. 

Day 7:
I'm terrified of life. My own shadow terrifies me. So do black people. I feel like I'm becoming a racist. Shit! I am! Ah!

Day 8:
You want me to teach in a township?! Really? You believe in me? 

Oh lord, this reeks of missionary work. Ok ok ok I'll do it. God, you're so welcoming. 

Day 9:
These kids are so marvelous! So well behaved! So interesting! They are all so ambitious! Man, I wish I could help them achieve their goals...too bad South Africa is so racist.

Day 10:
Shit. I can't walk alone. I'm afraid of getting robbed. I'm afraid of black people! I'm racist! I'm part of the problem! Identity crisis!

Day 11:
Lalalalalalalala I'm not listening. You can talk all you want about how black people come into your room at night and rob you and shoot you in the face but I won't listen to you! I will not be a racist! 

Day 12:
Ok.  I can distract myself from the fear. Look at this beautiful beach. It's safe here right? Ok good. I'm just going to relax now. I'll have a bloody mary, please. Oh so cheap. MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm cheeeaaaappppp. Alcohol. 

Day 13:
But I'm sick of the beach. Take me to teach in the townships!  I have to stay at the hotel? Until school's in session again? Lord. I've never been more annoyed from living with other human beings. Share with me! Why are you being so narrow-minded? Didn't you come here to be open-minded? Ahhhh I feel like the token gay! No I don't think it's weird that I sing and dance in my underwear to Spring Awakening. 

Day 14:
Bob Marley? People still listen to Bob Marley? Urethra Franklin? People still listen to Urethra Franklin? You have terrible taste in music.

Day 15:
Ahhhhhhh. Townships. Back in my element. Back with "the people." I'm so happy. I've never felt so happy. Can I just live here? No? 

Day 16:
Will you walk with me to the internet cafe? I don't feel safe walking alone. Will you walk with me to the internet cafe? Can someone walk with me to the internet cafe? For god sakes I need to go to the motherfucking internet cafe. Fine, I'll go alone but if I die it's your fault for not walking with me to the internet cafe.

Day 17:
Ah! Townships.... I feel like I'm getting over my fears. I feel so multicultural. Look at this bracelet I bought. Does this bracelet make me look multicultural? Lunga! You're wonderful! I love you! Random child! Will you be my friend? 

Day 18:
Next time I go abroad, I'm going alone. Fuck rules! Fuck programs! I'm totally fine alone. 

Huh? 

What was that noise? Is there someone in my room? Oh. It's you. Hi you. No, I'm fine. No really. 

Shit I can't be alone.

Day 19: 
Oh things are great, Mom. No don't worry. I'm totally immersing myself in the culture. Of course it's safe. So safe. Auntie Susan was full of shit. Yeah, I'm teaching here. The kids are amazing. I feel like they really respect me. Did you hear me? I said I feel like the kids really respect me. Yeah yeah, the group is fine I guess. Stop freaking out, I'm fine. I don't sound fine? I am. Yeah yeah yeah, I'll go to Israel eventually. Well I'm glad folk dancing is going well. Dad wants to go to Las Vegas? That's retarded. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm sure you'll have lots of fun in Las Vegas.  Fine I'll call you every Sunday night. 

Day 20:
Does anyone else feel like they're on an emotional rollercoaster? I feel like I'm on my period here. Sorry Maddie. I didn't mean to be a mysogynist. 

Day 21:
Ok. Stop being so melodramatic. Meditate. Ah. My mind feels so open. I feel like a spacious room. I feel like I'm soaking in every boring moment of being alone in a hotel. Shit, this is boring. 

....to be continued.

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