Last night I dragged the football players in my study abroad group to a local gay club. "Come on, guys! It's supposed to be the best club in Port Elizabeth," I lied to them. Johnny, a large racially mixed football player, looked up from his rum and coke, and said "Ok, Steven. I'm down if you're down." "Really?" I said. "You'll protect me? You're not afraid of getting hit on or anything?" "No, I'll go," he said. I was surprised. Going to a gay club is emotionally exhausting for me, being surrounded by gay men looking at you, judging you. I always assumed it must be even more mentally exhausting for a straight man, since a straight man would have to explain over and over again, "No, I'm not gay."I thought Johnny would feel more uncomfortable putting himself in a situation where his sexual identity would be repeatedly interrogated. But nononono, none of the football players are homophobic, as they remind me over and over again. I'm just being paranoid, attributing homophobic characteristics to perfectly accepting individuals. "We slap each others butts! We play with each other's nipples! That's how comfortable we are! We say 'that's gay' but only coloqially!"
The club was in an industrial area of town, far from the beach and the lameass straight sports bars. The music was house remixes of Kelly Clarkson and Rihanna. I did a few rounds before I commited to a location near the only gay men I found attractive. I tapped on the shoulder of a particularly gorgeous tan blond guy. " Hi, what's your name?" I yelled. "George!" he yelled. "Nice to meet you! I'm Steven!" The guy cupped his ear as I spoke to him, then stared off into the crowd. Silence. "You have a lot of confidence!" he said to me.
Johnny took his shirt off and swung it around, exposing his enormous beer belly. The white kids surrounding him tried to make room without changing how they were dancing. Johnny smiled at me. I looked away.
I talked to a boring man from Detroit, and then I talked to his boring friend. Then I ordered a drink from one of the miserable-looking bartenders wearing a tuxedo vest. A man started talking to me about my trip and I told him about how next week we were going to Addo Elephant Park, and then we were going to visit Steve Biko's wife, and starting Thursday we'd begin our work in the townships. The man nodded his head and said, " Well, Addo elephant park should be fun," as if visiting the anti-apartheid revolutionary Steve Biko's motherfucking wife wouldn't be nearly as interesting as watching large gray animals move slowly through a field. He looked at me differently after that, as if I was out to attack him. I was a hopeless hippie, a guilty white liberal, out of touch with the problems of America but all too ready to identify problems in a community I had barely knew. I didn't know what to say next. I didn't feel like talking to him about black people, and I didn't want to know if he was a racist like so many of the white people I'd met...I didn't want to get that sinking feeling I'd experienced the last time a white person said something blatantly racist to me, like the guy at the sports bar who told me he was only friends with "civilized blacks." No, I wasn't ready for the sinking feeling, the feeling that I really did not belong to the white or the black culture here. A cultural nomad.
So I dropped the subject altogether, and asked him about his job and blah blah blah and he works in wool manufacturing and blah blah blah and then I left. Next time I talk to a white South African, I'll dig deeper and ask them how they feel about being white in South Africa.
3 comments:
Who the heck was that?
What Aliza said was a bit harsh, but I do understand where she is coming from. Everyone is tired of all this hatred and racism in this country. Alot of white people in South Africa are racists, but so are black people. I have been accused of being a racist when I asked a customer in a retail store (where I worked) for his ID before he can buy something on account (something we must ask everyone). Suddenly I'm a racist because he is black and according to him I wouldn't have asked that if he was white. This happened alot of times to me, although I have had all sorts of friends, white, black, it didn't matter to me, they are my friends.
But what is making south africans so angry is the fact that we are being punished for what happened during apartheid. that was horrible, unhuman. But I was a little girl when Apartheid was taken away. So I have no idea how it was to live in those times. But now black people (same age as me) say they hate white people for what happened. Especialy afrikaners. The white people are already dead or very old who caused apartheid. SO what is happening now, they are attacking people on farms, which is not robberies, it's hate crimes. There are horror stories that happened to old people, babies and young girls. An old family friend of ours was shot dead. They didn't steal anything. Just shot him. They broke into my 'security compex' while we were sleeping, stole everything they could. The police said we were lucky because these robbers are fully armed, and if you wake up, it would be your last time. I am scared to go to work, I have trouble sleeping. My sister took her daughter and went of to live in New Zealand because she was also scared. I am scared for my parents, I don't want them to be victims of 'hate crimes'. Some robbers are just robbing because they are poor. But then there are alot that kill because they hate. Just listen to the news. get old news stories, you will understand. Then our country doesn't have money for police stations (who did't have a car one time when I was robbed once again), there aren't enough police and police vehicles. We don't have enough schools for our unfortunate children. But then we hear over the news that our president bought a plane or something that caused over a billion Rand. Or they have thousands and even millions to spend to change the names of our cities, streets, suburbs but they do not have enough money for schools, hospitals, etc. Most of these names came from the english during the war, or from Jan Van Riebeeck and his settlers from the 1600. Most of those names has nothing to do with apartheid. But to change it they will. and it is costing millions!
I think this is why white people are so angry because we feel that there is hatred coming from our past and now it has become our future. We feel like there are 'civilized' black poeple, But there are also 'civilized' white people. They aren't the bastards who keeps on putting fuel in the fire. You can't walk alone in the streets anymore. It is almost a certainty that you will get mugged. There are some things that happened on farms that makes me feel depressed and lost. It is about an old lady that was dipped in oil and burnt with an iron. Why? They didn's steel anything. I don't buy the newspaper anymore because I don't want to know these things. I don't hate black people. I just hate what some of the black criminals are doing. Some of them hate me because I am white and I remind them of apartheid. Why me? I just don't want to be scared anymore.
I don't want to be a victim of a hate crime.
Helene.
Torture was the word I was looking for! While I was busy typing the previous comment, I heard on the news that an old woman's fingers was cut off. They broke into their home, killed the man and the woman after cutting of her fingers while she was alive. This happened a few days ago.
My mom just phone me as well to tell me this, and told me about the two old people who was tortured untill they died in their home. They were tortured for 2 whole days! Aftering torturing them for a whole day, they left them in their house and came back the next day to continue the torturing until they died. This happens almost every day. White people are being tortured.
They must be feeling happy, they are getting even at us! White people were mean to them, now their children are being horrible to us. I hope they feel better.
Helene
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